Have you ever felt like the worse part of yourself around certain people? There are a couple people in my life that for some reason I am in some rut with them. I absolutely don't feel like myself. I don't feel fun, and funny and relaxed but rather the darker, uptight bore. Opposite me. (I guess you could argue that maybe I have a high opinion about myself.)
I feel like that around my sister-in-law's family. I have known them for more than half my life and yet I instantly become the uptight, unfunny little sister tagalong to be ignored that I was at 14. A stereotypical Christian.
I am the same age as my sister-in-law's brother and we have been around each other alone and in a group growing up. He is kind enough to invite me to his annual "21st birthday party". I attended anything he and his parents invite us to which is basically Christmas and the July birthday. I am an outsider there which kills me because I have been an outsider for so long.
When I was 14, I would tag along with my brother and then girlfriend in that circle. I went off to college, got married and had babies and they didn't. My brother moved to Arizona.
I wouldn't be surprised that my bro and his wife came out more than they let me know and visit her inlaws and family without me tagging along again. They invite out of obligation.
I guess I thought having kids (my brother and wife can't) would help closen the relationship. Really, it has just highlighted the fact that they can't be bothered with us at all. They don't call or send gifts on the kids birthdays. At the annual birthday party/picnic they barely acknowledge we are there. Heck, my first baby was born the day before this blessed picnic and my brother didn't come by the hospital to meet his first niece until they stopped by on the way home to AZ.
Its like they are surrounded by a thick Plexiglas and I am pounding on the walls begging to belong. And because we barely speak at the picnic, unless I am dragging information out of them, they don't know me as an adult. They know what they remember, if they remember at all, a silly druggie tell tagging along to get out of an abusive house. Its so frustrating because I feel like I need to convince them that they would like me if they just go to know me.
I think my brother really doesn't care because he gets what he needs from his wife's family and I am just a reminder of what a disappointment his is.
posted by joelle @ 9:01 PM
2 Comments:
You know, this is interesting. I have a similar experience with my family. When I am with my adult, grownup friends, I like me. When I am around my parents and my sister, I feel too heavy, too geeky, my hair has a bad day, etc etc etc. Why do we do this to ourselves? I think Julia is right, that we need to change our self talk, and assume EVERYONE thinks we are as fabulous as we actually are, and that people are not looking at us like we are still 14.
Easy to say, hard to do. I always think you are funny, smart, and cool, Joelle :)
NOTE: Don't read this as Joelle. Joelle would take all of this personally and cry and then write a blog. So don't read it as Joelle. This is just a light-hearted response to your little "feeling sorry for myself" rant.
Joelle, you used to tell me that I was going to rot in a lake of fire. That wasn't fun or funny or any form of the word fun unless you count dysFUNctional. The truth is (not my perception) that almost everything you said to me was sarcastic from very start "Oh, don't offer to carry stuff".
I am KIND enough to invite you? I am not kind period. I filled the pinata with flour so it would burst on that little retarded kid. KIND is pretending Donna Beckett doesn't have corn in her teeth. It was bad. I should say rather than she had teeth in her corn.
Outsider outschmider (yes, for those of you "schm" users, you never schm the first syllable of a monosyllaballical word). Everyone is an outsider until they choose to come in.
I shouldn't speak for R&V. They will after forwarding this log (how KIND of me!). They naturally spend more time with us because they stay here, but I know they also make time for friends, the other family, and Sal's Pizza.
I will closen this paragraph by pointing out that closen is not a verb.
As for remembering birthdays, V probably thinks it's R's responsbility to remember his blood side and R think it's V's job to remember because she is the girl. Didn't say it's right. I'm saying that might just be the way it is. That is not to say that R does not love, Misti and Jim? I want to say Jim.
Ah, my picnic is blessed. Thanks! I know I barely acknowledge anyone's existence because I am busy and frazzled.
Why not make an effort to speak to them instead of egotistically waiting for the other way around, especially since it seems to affect you.
You are being super sensitive. There is nothing factual about your perception of all this "tagging along", "begging to belong", "don't know you as an adult" stuff. You invented this stuff.
I don't see you in any way. Not as a druggie or a kid or a mom or a tagalong. I will likely see you as a Christian, having being judged on many occasions. I will always see you as a sister in law, which is family, so just chill out. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, take control of the things that bother you, as a rule complain only after trying to do something about it, and give Myra and John a big kiss for me.
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